Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think my fart just growled at me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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