his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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