Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
