I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
