She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
