I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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