I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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