I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize