Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
