I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
