I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
