How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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