My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's shark week go big or go home
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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