i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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