I just threw up on my dentist
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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