Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
