Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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