Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
