The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
