also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
