so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
