I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
