he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
