we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
