Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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