Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
