It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
