Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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