he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
