I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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