Just took my morning after pill in the library
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
