I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
