just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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