I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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