Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
