Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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