I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
