Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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