okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
