If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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