I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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