Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
