that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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