dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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