What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
