I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
