Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
