Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I could make wine with my vomit
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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