You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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