Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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