My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
