if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
